From someone who has logged over 100,000 miles of seat time in the last four years due to having a mobile profession, there is nothing I feel as though I haven't seen on the road. Here is a list of how to behave on metro highways if you want to look like an idiot.
1. First of all, always be in the lane furthest from where you need to go. If your right-hand exit is coming up, it's best to be in the far left lane for as long as possible. Ideally, you'll want to move across the two lanes separating you from your exit ramp in one quick sweep, keeping in mind that everyone will always make room for you because you are just that awesome.
2. When driving a Yukon (or Escalade, Hummer, truck, etc.), proper etiquette requires you to maintain no more than five feet between the front of your massive hood and the bumper of sedan in front of you. People love the exhiliration of having your Cadillac ornament filling their entire rear-view mirror.
3. Whenever possible, ALWAYS run red lights. Remember that you are too important to be bothered to slow down.
4. When someone is passing you, it helps to increase your speed as they drive by. Once they are finally in front of you and maintaining a consistent speed, you may then go faster, pass them, and then slow down, forcing them to re-pass. Repeat if necessary.
5. When pulling away from a stoplight at a green arrow, and you are the first car in line, make sure to wait for at least six seconds before ambling into the intersection. You'll want to protect yourself from those who observe rule #3. Extra credit if the arrow turns yellow before anyone else can turn.
6. Re-evaluating your lane is best done four or five times in any given half-mile stretch, especially when the road is filled with stoplights anyway. Everyone will understand your need to make four lane changes just to go from behind one car to directly in front of it, only to have both of you stop at the same red light 50 feet down the road.
7. Always, I repeat, always rush up behind anyone using the left lane, even if they have a seemingly legitimate reason to be there. See rule #2.
8. If you drive an old, dilapitated vehicle that is worth less than anything you can buy at Starbucks, drive as crazily as you want. After all, you're not going to notice another dent. Why should anyone else care?
9. Turn signals are completely optional. Oh, and if you MUST use them, only blink once, and make sure this occurs after you have already moved into the opposing lane. Better late than never.
10. And my personal favorite!! When merging onto a highway, it's best to rush and squeeze tightly in front of someone rather than falling back and merging behind them. After all, mergers ALWAYS have the right of way.
